Friday, April 3, 2015

C is for Cheesy Cauliflower Bread Sticks

When you scroll through the "Everything" board on Pinterest, you'll notice several prevailing trends among the pins. Lots and lots of uses for pallets, for example. They make furniture out of them. They hang them on the wall. Repurpose, repurpose, repurpose. I am realistic enough to know there ain't no way I'm going to pin, let alone DIY, anything involving a pallet. If you read past the posted picture (and so many of them are projects done by professionals and not DIY friendly AT ALL), you'll find that many of the projects require complete dismantling of the pallet. 

Then there are food trends. Low carb diets are not the fad they used to be, but there are still plenty of pinned low carb recipes on Pinterest. Paleo recipes have been the rage in recent years (interestingly enough, not one of those recipes is for catching and eating grubs, rodents, or insects, which is what Paleo man ATE). Gluten-free recipes are also ultra trendy.

I recently pinned a recipe that is so hip that it actually embraces low carb, Paleo AND gluten-free. Can a recipe BE any trendier than that?! I actually pinned it because I thought that it might be a good way to get a vegetable down everyone in my house that wasn't green beans, potatoes or corn and NOT because I believe in these current eating fads.

Here is the recipe I pinned. There are dozens of nearly identical ones on Pinterest.


http://whatsfordinner-momwhatsfordinner.blogspot.com/2012/06/cheesy-garlic-cauliflower-bread-sticks.html

I ran into a grocery store to pick up a cauliflower and was horrified to find they charged $4.59 for them. I usually buy them at Aldi and never pay more than about $1.79 for one there, and usually, they are much less. As I had nothing else up my sleeve for today's A to Z entry, though, I had to bite the bullet and buy it anyway.

Back home, I got out the first of 19, yes, NINETEEN, pans, bowls and utensils that it took to make this dish. I seriously counted them as I cleaned up afterwards. The first step was to steam the cauliflower. Next was to mash the steamed cauliflower through a ricer.

Have you ever used a ricer? We have one, because my husband once read that mashed potatoes should ALWAYS be made with a ricer. I think he did it once and declared it not worth the trouble. The ricer has languished in the back of a drawer since then. And after ricing one gigantic, expensive cauliflower, I can tell you that I do not love ANYONE enough to rice a cauliflower again. I had bits of cauliflower EVERYWHERE. And the stemmy parts don't rice, so you have to scrape them off and discard them. Plus, a lot of water was squeezed out into the bowl along with the cauliflower, and nowhere in the recipe did it tell me what to do about that. The pictures from the recipe I was following didn't show riced cauliflower floating in water, so I drained the worst of it off and moved on. I had twice as much cauliflower as I needed for the recipe. Instead of saving the extra riced cauliflower, only to be thrown away at some future date after finding it shoved to the back of the refrigerator and kicking myself because I spent $4.59 on a stupid cauliflower and wasted half of it, I doubled the recipe, mixing the cauliflower with eggs, mozzarella and parmesan cheese, oregano and garlic.

I wanted to take a video of myself, but it took both hands
just to squeeze the cauliflower through the ricer.


The ricer (blade?) kept getting gummed up with stemmy
parts of the cauliflower

In theory, all the cauliflower squeezes through
the little holes and lands in the bowl. In reality,
it gets stuck in the holes and little bits of it fly
all over the kitchen when you're trying to scrape
it off the ricer.

The next step called for spreading olive oil in a baking pan, then lining it with parchment paper. Nowhere did it say what size pan, and the one I chose would have been twice as big as I needed, had I not decided to double the recipe. Then I had to spread the cauliflower mixture into the pan WITH MY HANDS. Wet, eggy, mushy cauliflower, then into a 450 degree oven for 15 minutes. Then another five minutes. And another five. And another five. Because after the 15 minutes called for in the recipe, it was still pale and watery. The pan finally came out of the oven and melted butter and garlic were spread over it, plus MORE mozzarella and parmesan cheese were added on top. I'm estimating a minimum of $5.00 worth of cheese went into this, and when added to the $4.59 for the cauliflower, these bread sticks were getting to be more than a little pricey. 



Finally, they were done, and I removed them from the pan and cut them with a pizza cutter and heated up some marinara sauce, as recommended. I forced coerced begged called my family in to the kitchen to try them.

Fresh out of the oven.

Cut into bread sticks. Mock bread sticks. Faux bread sticks.

This is how the jury voted:

My son: When it was just cheesy tasting, I got a little bit of a bread stick vibe. Then I started tasting cauliflower. Is it palatable? Yes. Do I want another one? No.

My husband: Assuming you hadn't had bread in a month and had this with marinara sauce and some pepperoni on top, then it would satisfy your pizza craving. Would I call it a bread stick? No.

My daughter: Too cheesy.

Me: Looks and feels and tastes like a giant cauliflower pancake.

What I learned: If you have to go to this much trouble just to get someone to eat cauliflower, then it isn't worth it. Nothing about this recipe is going to fool anyone into thinking they're eating bread sticks. Only an idiot pays $4.59 for a cauliflower.

I'm going to have to call this one a Pinterest fail.








22 comments:

  1. Seriously, what is it with cauliflower on Pinterest these days? It seems half the recipes in my feed involve the ingredient. Not that I dislike it, but like you, I'm not going to go to that kind of trouble. Sounds like a nightmare of a recipe!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is not a substitute for flour. Or potatoes. And I was not exaggerating when I said I used 19 pans, bowls and utensils. Good Lord!

      Delete
  2. Good on you for even attempting this!! I hear you with the ricer...I usually ended up wearing more than went in the bowl. :(

    It does look very tasty though. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I had read through the entire recipe before I started, I might have picked something else to try! But that would have meant that I was actually PREPARED....
      It wasn't bad. I mean, it's cauliflower and cheese! It just wasn't worth it, and it certainly wasn't a bread stick!

      Delete
  3. Props to you for attempting this. I have seen SO many of these type recipes, and then I read the recipe directions and I am pretty much like, "No effin' way" -- so props to you!

    Sounds like a mess. I have had cauliflower on a baked potato pizza before. Maybe that is the route to take?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most recipes I consider to be works of fiction. I read partway through and say "This will never happen."
      I couldn't believe how far that riced cauliflower got flung! I think I'll stick to just eating steamed cauliflower as is and leave it at that. But not at $4.59 a head!

      Delete
  4. Visiting you from the A to Z challenge. I found the idea of cauliflower bread to be interesting. But once I started reading how much trouble you had making it I was thinking it wouldn't be a recipe I pinned. And then I read your jury votes!! I would guess you are right on calling this one a fail!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It wasn't that it tasted BAD. But it definitely wasn't a bread stick! If you're looking for a complicated way to make cauliflower bad for you, then give it a try :)

      Delete
  5. I'm not going to lie, I've been eating a lot of cauliflower lately. Mostly i just roast it, but I have also made cauliflower rice on two occasions so I can relate to the misery and mess of tiny cauliflower bits all.over.everything. Cheers to real breadsticks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy! Amy! Where've you been?
      I love roasted cauliflower! I even like it just steamed. I do not like it in little ricey bits all over my kitchen.

      Delete
  6. it looks good though - and i guess you have to love cauliflower..my family loves cauliflower - i have made a mashed garlic - which is easy and tasty - i make croquettes and recently I baked whole one - 4.59 is pricey but if it helps it was all for a good cause at least we all now its a pain in the ass recipe :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I took a hit for the team, Marisa! I saw a recipe for a whole roasted cauliflower that I'd like to try (not for $4.59, however).

      Delete
  7. It looked good..
    that said there is a reason I gave my ricer to goodwill
    .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet, I shoved that ricer into the back of a drawer in my pantry. Why? Why?

      Delete
  8. I felt exactly the same about the South Beach cauliflower "mashed potato" recipe. And I like cauliflower!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It certainly did nothing to improve cauliflower, if you already like it as is. I say if you want cauliflower, eat cauliflower. If you want bread sticks, eat bread sticks. But don't try to mix the two.

      Delete
  9. Good to know in advance! My family and I have many food intolerances and allergies from gluten (celiac), corn (any corn product), and dairy to tomatoes (my kids) and cabbage. We don't eat out much, and we don't eat much boxed foods, but we don't make bread from cauliflower either. I've been told it's good, but my gut reaction to the thought has always been "yuck!" - sorry. I do use expensive alternative flour, but I get the stuff direct from the factory for less expensive prices . . . anyone that is truly gluten free for a reason gets to know the best way to find less pricey, gluten-free options fast.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had a preschool student several years ago who had celiac disease. I bought gluten free flour (not as easy to find then) to make him his own playdough. I also used it any time we did a cooking project, so he could be part of it. I ran into him and his mom just this week and we talked about the gluten free fad (she is particularly annoyed by it, although it does mean there are more gluten free products on the market now for those who really need them).
      I kind of think if you squeezed every drop of water out of the cauliflower rice before you mixed the other ingredients in, it would make the texture less pancakey. I am not willing to try this, though. If you do, let me know if I was right!

      Delete
  10. I think it's all about the low carb. I've made mashed cauliflower in lieu of potatoes for a low carb side, but I won't be trying the bread sticks any time soon. They do, however, look cheesy and delicious, and when you are on a diet, they would probably be a hit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They were also very high in fat, which I realize isn't much of a consideration if you are on Atkins, but still.

      Delete
  11. At first, I was thinking, "I'm going to try this!" I have two cauliflowers in my fridge right now (I just picked up my produce box this morning). The 11 pans started to dissuade me. Then, I got to the ricer part. I don't have a ricer and, after reading your experience, don't feel guilty about that. I think plain-ole steamed cauliflower will be on my menu this week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I'd just steam it and call it good. Unless you want me to send you my ricer?

      Delete