Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Accidents Happened

Accidents happen, right? RIGHT? So, these accidents happened:

In a fit of cleanliness, I used a pumice stone to clean all the hard water stains out of our toilets (boy, THAT'S fun).  Yes, I wore gloves. The end result was satisfying, and my arms ached the next day from all the effort.

I also used the pumice on the sink in my daughter's bathroom; then, because she complains that hardly any water comes out of the spout, I decided to remove the aerator and clean the mineral deposits out of it (we have very hard water - I live in what was once a mining town). I probably should have done this a long, LONG time ago. Believe me, I wish I had.

That aerator would NOT budge. I tried pliers. Nope. Next, I used locking pliers (sometimes called vice grips) and elbow grease, and finally, I felt it give. The aerator dropped into my hand, along with something TERRIBLY IMPORTANT from inside the faucet, and water began spewing underneath the sink. I turned the water off under the sink, said some VERY BAD words, and started watching YouTube videos on how to install a bathroom fixture. Stay tuned.

This is the aerator. You can see that it
was definitely clogged. It was supposed to
unscrew from the faucet. Supposed to.


See the brass part on the right? That
was NOT supposed to come off.
Not at all. Nope. 

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I was looking through my blog stats and saw that someone found my blog by Googling "zentangle vagina." So of course, I Googled "zentangle vagina," and guess whose blog post comes up as the first entry?

The zentangle vagina I accidentally drew.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Before I tell you this story, keep reminding yourself that I MEANT WELL. 

In June, my daughter had a weekly volleyball tournament in a city an hour's drive away. She kept complaining that the school where they were playing was disgusting, with bugs everywhere, but sitting in the bleachers, I never saw any bugs and thought she was exaggerating.

During the last night of games, I had gone down to the gym floor to give her some ibuprofen for a headache, and as I was climbing a back staircase to the second floor and the bleacher seating, I saw something moving in a corner. It looked kind of worm-like, or, dare I say, SNAKE-like and was wiggling rapidly but not going anywhere.

After a sharp intake of breath, I leaned closer and realized I was seeing a teeny, tiny lizard, its tail caught up in a disgusting wad of hair and dust and God only knows what else. He was barely two inches long, slim bodied with a bright blue tail. Kind of cute, really, as long as you didn't think about him being a snake with legs. A few feet away from him, another teeny, tiny lizard was sitting very still, and upon closer inspection, I saw that he, too, had a (much smaller) hairy dust bunny thing stuck to HIS tail.

I didn't want to touch either the lizard OR the hairy dust bunny, but I felt like freeing the snake with legs was the right thing to do (all the while trying not to let my mind go to why there were lizards in the building in the first place), so I slipped off my flip flop and put the toe of it on the hairy dust bunny, holding it in place so the lizard could pull free and run away. When that didn't work, I tried to shake it free, and, well...

This is how it panned out:





IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, OKAY?! I told the other lizard he was on his own and fled the scene. 

I am a lizard killer, and I'm not proud of it.

17 comments:

  1. That was the worst lizard rescue I've ever seen!! And I know it's the worst, because no one ever records their lizard rescue. Or at least they don't post them when it goes horribly wrong and the person kills the lizard!!!! Was it necessary to shake the poor thing? Never, ever try to save something with a flip flop. Nothing good comes from help via flip flop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I recorded it because I thought it would show what a HERO I was. I was trying to shake it loose, since holding that nasty hairball didn't make it so he could pull away. Turned out not to be a good idea, huh? AND I HAD TO USE THE FLIP FLOP BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO TOUCH EITHER THE HAIRBALL OR THE LIZARD.

      Delete
  2. Okay....so I had to stop reading after "After a sharp intake of breath, I leaned closer and realized I was seeing a teeny, tiny lizard, its tail caught up in a disgusting wad of hair and dust and God only knows what else...." and I had to stop watching at the 8 second mark. Sorry. I'm a wimp. :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fortunately, my horrible cinematography meant the actual murder wasn't caught on the video.

      Delete
  3. What is up with that giant dust bunny? Of course I really have no room to talk with my dog hair tumbleweeds that are large enough to bowl over poor Miss Kitty.

    I completely get how you could accidentally draw a zentangle vagina, but why the hell would someone be searching for one?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was in a stairwell in a high school gym, Vanessa. God only knows what that hairball contained.
      No one accidentally searches for "zentangle vagina."

      Delete
  4. You've posted lizard-heroics before, right? And that lizard escaped unscathed. I believe you that this was an accident.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That lizard, while stupid, did escape unscathed. Thank you for your belief in me :)

      Delete
  5. The Altruistic Adventures of Dyanne, plumber by day, animal liberator on the weekend, and zentangle vagina artist by night. You always make me laugh, even when it's not nice.

    ReplyDelete
  6. That was one fragile lizard! In your defense, I feel like he should have been made of sterner stuff. Maybe those weren't dust bunnies so much as humane live traps. These two might have been scheduled for release into the wild when the janitor swept up after the game. Anyway, that is why I keep those things all over my house! (believable???)
    Zentangle vagina----yeah, I got nothing for that one! That is just bizarre. But hey, congrats on being the number one google result!
    And plumbing woes--you know you have my most sincere sympathy there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, May! Yes, yes, any lizard who plans to spend time in a high school gym definitely should be made of sterner stuff.
      We call them dust kittens at our house, but from now on, they will be called humane live traps.
      How often do you get to be #1 on a Google result, anyway?!
      I knew you'd understand my plumbing issue.

      Delete
  7. PLEASE STOP TRYING TO RESCUE LIZARDS! Ohmigosh you are BAD at it, my Dyannedelion! I love that you tried. But no!

    Put coca cola in a bag and tie it over the faucet end so that the cola covers the limescale. Leave overnight. NO NEED TO TAKE IT APART!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a 50% success rate on lizard rescue.
      I'm afraid the ship has already sailed on that faucet cleaning....

      Delete
  8. …and you maintain that the alleged lizard was, in fact, needing rescue, and was not, simply enjoying itself playing dust bunny-ball with it's friend?!
    as to your first question: 'that's why god invented the internet', so that all the really important questions pressing on the minds of 13 year boys can be answered with the click of a mouse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. The lizard did not appear as though he were enjoying any of the hairy dust bunny incident, even less so when I tried to help him.
      2. You know that phrase from This Old House, "Measure twice, cut once"? How about "Google first, take apart plumbing fixtures second"?

      Delete
  9. I would never have thought of using a pumice stone to do that. See, tools have lots of different applications. That was thinking out of the box and it helped you to get good results. I absolutely think you developed your perseverance muscles a bit during that task. I am glad that you were able to solve the aerator issue as well.

    Levi Eslinger @ Capital Plumbing

    ReplyDelete