Wednesday, April 6, 2016

E is for Epic Fail



I'm not going to sugar coat this (no pun intended).

Today's Pinterest Challenge was an epic fail.

I found two pins that I was going to use for today's post, based on "E is for edible". Here's the first one:

http://www.tablespoon.com/recipes/edible-glitter


Edible glitter! Wouldn't that be fun? 

The directions were simple enough: one-fourth cup of sugar and one-half teaspoon of food coloring is placed in a small jar, shaken until the sugar is evenly colored, then baked at 180 degrees F for 5-10 minutes or until "the sugar starts to glisten." 

Sugar with gel food coloring.

Why the recipe should have said not to
use gel food coloring.

How the sugar looks when you use liquid
food coloring.

The sugar spread as evenly as possible
on parchment paper. 

Baked until it started to glisten(ish) and
now cooled. Does this look like glitter to you?


Compare the Pinterest pin with my finished product.
Go ahead. I'll wait....
SMOKE AND MIRRORS, PEOPLE! Don't believe everything you see on Pinterest.

Having said that, here's the second pin from my "E is for edible" theme:

http://www.handmadecharlotte.com/
how-to-make-flower-petal-chocolate-bowls

In anticipation of making this, I bought some strawberry ice cream at the grocery store, because wouldn't that look pretty in a white chocolate bowl? I also picked up the smallest balloons I could find (7"). Well, they had smaller ones, but they were water balloons, and I thought they would be too small, PLUS they are made to break easily. Cue creepy premonition music....

I had lunch with my husband today, and he asked me what I was doing for "E". I told him I was going to make the edible glitter, which he thought sounded stupid (and in hindsight, he was correct), but before I could tell him I was also going to make edible bowls, he said, "I know what you're going to do! I saw it this weekend on PBS! You're going to make chocolate bowls that look like petals!"

I told him that I had already planned to do that when I found the pin last week, and I WAS SITTING RIGHT BY HIM WHEN THAT SHOW CAME ON and did he not notice ANYTHING. 

After the edible glitter fail, I moved on to the bowls. While the white chocolate melted in a glass bowl in the microwave, I washed the outside of the balloons and prepared a place for the balloon bowls to harden. I blew up six balloons, keeping them relatively small, then read a note in the instructions that said water balloons work best. Dammit.

The white chocolate was melted, and I dipped the first balloon in (I opted out of adding the pink swirls pictured). To get the petal effect, you were to dip the balloon into the chocolate, then rock it forwards, backwards, and side to side, then set it on the prepared surface. But when I dipped the balloon in, the mixture was really thick and hard to work with, and I got it all over the sides of the balloon where it WASN'T supposed to be. No problem, I would just put a spoonful of coconut oil in it and loosen it up a bit. Back in the microwave for a few seconds, a couple of stirs, and the consistency was much better.

See? Too thick to dip.

Bowl? Yeahhh. Petals? Nahhhh.

I started dipping the second balloon and hadn't even gotten to the rocking part when - POW! - the balloon popped, sending white chocolate spatters all over the stove, the counter, and me. I screamed. After my heart rate lessened slightly, I fished the pieces of broken balloon out of the chocolate and tried another one. I cautiously dipped a fresh balloon in the white chocolate, rocked it to one side, and - POW! - another explosion, another scream, another shower of white chocolate.

Fishing broken balloon out of the white chocolate.


I texted my husband, the chocolate bowl expert:

"THE FUCKING BALLOONS FUCKING EXPLODED!!!"

His response? "Ha ha!"

Did I quit there? Of course not! I dipped another one. And I got the awesome petal shape on the outside of the balloon! Finally! I set it down carefully and breathed a sigh of relief. Success! I reached for another fresh balloon and - POW! SERIOUSLY?

NOW did I give up? No. I tried again. Dip, rock, set aside. Wait. Wait. Wait. Finally! I got another balloon, dipped it in the white chocolate, and - POW! - the one I had set down blew up, causing me not only to scream but to drop the half-dipped balloon in my hand. I now had white chocolate splatters on the kitchen cabinets, the floor, the stove, the counter, my sunglasses, my keys, the mail, the container of doughnut waffles, my shirt, my jeans, my feet, my neck, my hair, and my face.

White chocolate from the explosion went
past my sunglasses and keys and got the mail.

On the counter. This is early. It got worse.

On me.

More on me.

I was done.

I threw away everything except the very first balloon bowl that I made. Then I used various utensils to scrape hardened white chocolate splatter off of every surface in my kitchen. 

When my husband got home from work, and while he was scraping cooled white chocolate off the pan and eating it, he had the nerve to (a) laugh at me covered in white chocolate, (b) tell me what I should have done differently, because he watched a show about it on PBS and (c) say that it was a Pinterest Win, because one of the bowls actually did turn out.

I then told HIM that (a) he could clean up every bit of that white chocolate he was dropping on the floor as he ate it, because I had been down there on my hands and knees, scraping it up with a butter knife and a pancake turner, (b) I WAS RIGHT THERE WATCHING THAT SHOW WITH HIM AND THAT WAS A PROFESSIONAL PASTRY CHEF MAKING THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS and (c) it was certainly NOT a Pinterest Win, because when I popped the balloon in the one surviving bowl, part of the balloon was melted into the chocolate at the bottom.

Balloon melted into the bowl. Yum.

He scraped the balloon out and ate it anyway while I secretly hoped he would choke (just kidding, sort of).

Edible glitter? Fail.

Edible chocolate bowl? EPIC fail.

Screw the edible bowl.






28 comments:

  1. I can't help it. I'm laughing, too. I hope you make a pinterest fails pinterest board! Thank you for doing the hard research!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I have PTSD from that whole balloon-exploding thing! Emma just came upstairs and asked why there was white chocolate stuck to the stove. Missed some....

      Delete
  2. I love it. Epic Pinterest fails! Have I ever followed a recipe and had it come out looking like the picture in the cookbook? Not once.
    Fail on Backsies! I'm with ya.
    A to Z
    http://gvpeasachantrant.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Joanne! My stuff seldom comes out like the picture, because 99% of the time, I didn't read the recipe all the way through and am lacking ingredients or equipment or time or something else important....

      Delete
  3. I was laughing too much in this post that Jak reached for his headphones to tune me out. Looks like we both struggled with "E" today.

    I had a pretty good night but reading this, this was the white chocolate frosting on top of the cake. :P

    I can't wait for Kristi to tackle this one for ya!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Kate, if I only had video!

      That's right! Kristi said she was going to replicate MY challenges for next year. Mwahahhahaaaa!

      Delete
  4. I have no idea why you would have attempted anything glitter without consulting Lizzi first! That just seems like a given :)

    That second challenge seems interesting. I guess I would have had to watch that PBS special to fully grasp what was going on. I'd just think balloons would pop in general. Who thought of even trying that out to begin with?! What else do people do with balloons that I don't know about?!?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, I was thinking about Lizzi when I saw the edible glitter pin! This was NOT glitter.
      Lizzi sent me a pin for a NON edible bowl made with a balloon and mod podge and confetti, but I had already planned this. Mistake!

      Delete
  5. omg ... can we laugh about this yet? oh you poor thing at least you enjoyed the strawberry ice cream.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's HILARIOUS until I find white chocolate on yet something else in my kitchen that I didn't see before (my cabinets, stove, and floor are white - see my dilemma?). Tonight, I found it on the salt and pepper shakers.

      Delete
  6. What if you put the balloons in the freezer? In that chocolate making class I took we used plastic to melt the chocolate it the microwave. Maybe it got too hot? Anyway, it was a great idea. I'm with you, though, nothing tastes better than ice cream out of the container.

    Val from My Virtual Vineyard

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What if I just put my ice cream in a damn bowl? Or better yet, just eat it straight out of the carton? :) There was seriously no warning about checking the temperature of the chocolate. Maybe it was implied, by using a balloon, that one should do that?!

      Delete
  7. Hahahahahahaha!!!!! Awesome fail. I wish I could have been there to see it, but imagining it is still hilarious.
    Funny story...
    I have this photo album that has recipes I tore out of magazines many, many years ago. I have never tried any of them, but the one I most often glanced at and actually almost tried was...wait for it...chocolate bowls made with balloons!!! No joke, it's been in there for at least 10 years. I'll have to go look and see if they have any tips for not popping the balloon. :)
    Do not ask me why I have an album full of recipes I have never used or why I have kept it for so long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really wish there were video to go with this. Kerpow! Splat! Shriek!
      I have one of those recipe albums, too....

      Delete
  8. Pftttttt...bwahahahaha....snort....sorry...ahem....

    ReplyDelete
  9. OMG, you had me laughing so hard as I read this. This the kind of thing that happens to me when I try something that seems in theory to be relatively simple. I can envision the white chocolate flying and you squealing with each balloon explosion. We definitely can't say that you didn't give it a fair trial! I would have gone for the spoon much quicker. My daughter actually tried the edible glitter one when it first came out, and again it seemed simple. I could have told her though, because my mother used to make her own colored sugars for Christmas cookies, just as you did with your dye and sugar, though she didn't bake it, and in no way did it resemble glitter. Someone is clearly trying to make us all feel incompetent, or getting us to buy the readymade version. I love you for putting these things to the test on our behalf, saving the rest of us from the sting of failure. I can hardly wait to see what's coming next! :-))
    Josie's Journal

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Josie, this morning, we found white chocolate on one of the cats! I did give it the ol' college try, didn't I? Do you remember that game called Booby Trap, with the spring-loaded board and little discs with a little peg sticking up? You took turns taking one out at a time, and if you caused the booby trap to spring, you lost. I was a nervous wreck playing that game and this took me right back there!

      Delete
  10. hahahaha! I'm laughing so hard. You did a great job explaining it because it had me cracking up. I so feel for you. I would've given up long before you did! But at least your Epic Fail gave you a great blog post: there's a positive there! :)

    Fun post.

    Michele at Angels Bark

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It took me way too long to accept that it wasn't going to work!

      Delete
  11. While it sounds like it was probably pretty stressful, it makes for one hysterical story. I have had my share of EPIC fails in the cooking and craft department so you have my sympathy as well as my gratitude for giving me the heads up to stay away from edible glitter and chocolate petal bowls.


    @WeekendsInMaine
    Weekends In Maine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband knows EVERYTHING about making chocolate petal bowls, if you ever change your mind....

      Delete
  12. I know it probably wasn't funny at the time but it makes hilarious reading - and when I read in your reply to Josie that you found white chocolate on the cat I laughed even more :) At least now I'll never be tempted to try anything like that, I'll look for ready-made stuff instead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If the melted white chocolate didn't turn hard as it cooled, the clean up wouldn't have been so bad. There's no wiping this stuff up, though, since it hardened quickly, especially on my cold, ceramic tile floor!
      I didn't even know the cat came in the kitchen! Poor guy!

      Delete
  13. OH NOOOOO!

    Geez, that's so irritating! Damn balloons!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Popless balloons. That's what the world needs!

      Delete