E is for Epic Fail

I'm not going to sugar coat this (no pun intended).

Today's Pinterest Challenge was an epic fail.

I found two pins that I was going to use for today's post, based on "E is for edible". Here's the first one:

http://www.tablespoon.com/recipes/edible-glitter

Edible glitter! Wouldn't that be fun? 

The directions were simple enough: one-fourth cup of sugar and one-half teaspoon of food coloring is placed in a small jar, shaken until the sugar is evenly colored, then baked at 180 degrees F for 5-10 minutes or until "the sugar starts to glisten." 

Sugar with gel food coloring.

Why the recipe should have said not to
use gel food coloring.

How the sugar looks when you use liquid
food coloring.

The sugar spread as evenly as possible
on parchment paper. 

Baked until it started to glisten(ish) and
now cooled. Does this look like glitter to you?

Compare the Pinterest pin with my finished product.
Go ahead. I'll wait....

SMOKE AND MIRRORS, PEOPLE! Don't believe everything you see on Pinterest.

Having said that, here's the second pin from my "E is for edible" theme:

http://www.handmadecharlotte.com/
how-to-make-flower-petal-chocolate-bowls

In anticipation of making this, I bought some strawberry ice cream at the grocery store, because wouldn't that look pretty in a white chocolate bowl? I also picked up the smallest balloons I could find (7"). Well, they had smaller ones, but they were water balloons, and I thought they would be too small, PLUS they are made to break easily. Cue creepy premonition music....

I had lunch with my husband today, and he asked me what I was doing for "E". I told him I was going to make the edible glitter, which he thought sounded stupid (and in hindsight, he was correct), but before I could tell him I was also going to make edible bowls, he said, "I know what you're going to do! I saw it this weekend on PBS! You're going to make chocolate bowls that look like petals!"

I told him that I had already planned to do that when I found the pin last week, and I WAS SITTING RIGHT BY HIM WHEN THAT SHOW CAME ON and did he not notice ANYTHING. 

After the edible glitter fail, I moved on to the bowls. While the white chocolate melted in a glass bowl in the microwave, I washed the outside of the balloons and prepared a place for the balloon bowls to harden. I blew up six balloons, keeping them relatively small, then read a note in the instructions that said water balloons work best. Dammit.

The white chocolate was melted, and I dipped the first balloon in (I opted out of adding the pink swirls pictured). To get the petal effect, you were to dip the balloon into the chocolate, then rock it forwards, backwards, and side to side, then set it on the prepared surface. But when I dipped the balloon in, the mixture was really thick and hard to work with, and I got it all over the sides of the balloon where it WASN'T supposed to be. No problem, I would just put a spoonful of coconut oil in it and loosen it up a bit. Back in the microwave for a few seconds, a couple of stirs, and the consistency was much better.

See? Too thick to dip.

Bowl? Yeahhh. Petals? Nahhhh.

I started dipping the second balloon and hadn't even gotten to the rocking part when - POW! - the balloon popped, sending white chocolate spatters all over the stove, the counter, and me. I screamed. After my heart rate lessened slightly, I fished the pieces of broken balloon out of the chocolate and tried another one. I cautiously dipped a fresh balloon in the white chocolate, rocked it to one side, and - POW! - another explosion, another scream, another shower of white chocolate.

Fishing broken balloon out of the white chocolate.

I texted my husband, the chocolate bowl expert:

"THE FUCKING BALLOONS FUCKING EXPLODED!!!"

His response? "Ha ha!"

Did I quit there? Of course not! I dipped another one. And I got the awesome petal shape on the outside of the balloon! Finally! I set it down carefully and breathed a sigh of relief. Success! I reached for another fresh balloon and - POW! SERIOUSLY?

NOW did I give up? No. I tried again. Dip, rock, set aside. Wait. Wait. Wait. Finally! I got another balloon, dipped it in the white chocolate, and - POW! - the one I had set down blew up, causing me not only to scream but to drop the half-dipped balloon in my hand. I now had white chocolate splatters on the kitchen cabinets, the floor, the stove, the counter, my sunglasses, my keys, the mail, the container of doughnut waffles, my shirt, my jeans, my feet, my neck, my hair, and my face.

White chocolate from the explosion went
past my sunglasses and keys and got the mail.

On the counter. This is early. It got worse.

On me.

More on me.

I was done.

I threw away everything except the very first balloon bowl that I made. Then I used various utensils to scrape hardened white chocolate splatter off of every surface in my kitchen. 

When my husband got home from work, and while he was scraping cooled white chocolate off the pan and eating it, he had the nerve to (a) laugh at me covered in white chocolate, (b) tell me what I should have done differently, because he watched a show about it on PBS and (c) say that it was a Pinterest Win, because one of the bowls actually did turn out.

I then told HIM that (a) he could clean up every bit of that white chocolate he was dropping on the floor as he ate it, because I had been down there on my hands and knees, scraping it up with a butter knife and a pancake turner, (b) I WAS RIGHT THERE WATCHING THAT SHOW WITH HIM AND THAT WAS A PROFESSIONAL PASTRY CHEF MAKING THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS and (c) it was certainly NOT a Pinterest Win, because when I popped the balloon in the one surviving bowl, part of the balloon was melted into the chocolate at the bottom.

Balloon melted into the bowl. Yum.

He scraped the balloon out and ate it anyway while I secretly hoped he would choke (just kidding, sort of).

Edible glitter? Fail.

Edible chocolate bowl? EPIC fail.

Screw the edible bowl.