Let's All Go To The Movies. On Second Thought, Let's Not.

We don't go to the movie theater very often. My family would rather watch movies at home, but Saturday night, my husband and I dropped our daughter off at a birthday party and went to see Gravity 3D. And were we sorry. Want to feel my pain? Here are 12 reasons why I'm never going back to the local movie theater (Hollywood Theaters Northstar 14, if you're ever in the area and are tempted to see a movie. Oh, and did I mention it's the ONLY movie theater in town and the next nearest one is thirty miles away?).

1. My husband complained the whole time about the price ($13.25 per ticket for Gravity 3D), the sticky floors, the broken seats, and that the place smells like feet.

2. The popcorn was not the fluffy pieces of salty goodness you would expect, but instead, were hard little kernels that had barely exploded, and I could practically hear my teeth cracking with each bite.

Itsy, bitsy, teeny, tiny,
 tooth-breaking popcorn.

3. They no longer have Coke products. Did you get that? THEY DO NOT HAVE DIET COKE. 

4. The kid working behind the concession stand had no sense of humor when he asked me what I wanted, and I told him what I WANTED was a Diet Coke.

5. Most of the seats look (and feel) as though a bunch of 10 year olds have been jumping up and down on them. 

6. We were the very first ones in the theater, chose our seats, and began breaking our teeth munching on the popcorn when about ten college-aged kids came in and sat in the row behind us. IN THE ROW BEHIND US. WHEN THE ENTIRE THEATER WAS EMPTY OTHER THAN OUR TWO SEATS.

7. About a dozen other people also chose seats frighteningly near us, making my husband ask if we had become part of a Saturday Night Live skit without knowing it.

8. The girl sitting behind me and immediately to my right put her feet up on the back of the seat next to me, situating them RIGHT NEXT TO MY HEAD. 

9. The girl directly behind me laughed loudly throughout the entire movie. You realize we saw Gravity? And that it is not a comedy?

10. The two men who sat directly in front of us kept a running dialogue of commentary throughout the entire movie.

You must have really good eyes or a magnifying glass to see my little captions on here,
but it took me nearly an hour to do this (and that doesn't include the twenty minutes
it took me to find it on the computer after I saved it) so would you humor me
and take a closer look? Thank you.

11. This has nothing to do with the deplorable state of the theater, but I did find it entirely implausible that Sandra Bullock's character could pull out a manual and press a few random buttons and ignite the engine of a space capsule and launch it into space. But when I mentioned this, my husband said I needed to suspend reality and JUST ENJOY THE MOVIE AND THIS IS ANOTHER REASON WHY I DON'T TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIE THEATER.

12. The bathrooms are nasty, and only one hand dryer works. And there are several bathrooms in the building. And only one hand dryer EVER works in every. single. bathroom. What's more, it's usually the wheelchair-accessible one, so you have to bend over to dry your hands.

After prying our sticky feet off the floor and leaving the theater, we vowed that THAT WAS IT. 

But guess who got the last laugh?

That's right. I kept my 3D glasses. So there. Hah!