Sunday, March 22, 2015

Another Of Those "Lived To Tell About It" Thankfuls

Spring Break. Spriiiiing Break. SPRING BREAAAAAAAAK!

I've been on Spring Break.

I took my laptop with me and never even opened it. Not once. Didn't write blog posts. Didn't read blog posts. Just spring breaked.

We started our Spring Break with a volleyball tournament, like we've started many a spring break over the past few years. Nice weekend, spent at the lake house with my parents, who were able to attend the games. We took Ruby and Pete with us (to the lake house, NOT to the volleyball games). My son rode to Branson with me and Emma, then went back to school on Sunday with my husband, who had driven down separately. Emma and I stayed an extra night, leaving on Monday morning (because we were too lazy to pack up Sunday and go, because, well, Spring Break). We were toodling our way down the interstate in a moderate amount of traffic (including a tractor-trailer directly behind us) when my daughter pointed to a spot near the visor above her and said, "Spider."

"What?" I asked.

"SPIDER!" she shouted, and I looked at the spot where she was pointing and, indeed, there was a GINORMOUS SPIDER lowering itself on a silk thread from the visor. (I have no exact measurement, but I estimate it to have been about 3/8 of an inch across, legs and all, and HEY, YOU DEFINE GINORMOUS SPIDER IN YOUR TERMS AND I'LL DEFINE THEM IN MINE.)

She screamed.

I screamed.

And the two cats in carriers in the backseat (who were facing each other, because I thought that would be fun for them on a two hour car ride, seeing as how much Pete hates Ruby and all) started to yowl.

I reached into the backseat and grabbed the first thing I could find that might work as a weapon, which was a jacket that my husband had forgotten at the lake house and we threw in the car with us. I brought the jacket upwards and smashed it into the roof of the car next to the visor. But when I brought the jacket back down, the spider (who appears to have been a quicker thinker than we were and had shinnied back up his silk thread) slid right back down again from his spot behind the visor. 

She screamed.

I screamed.

The cats yowled.

I brought the jacket back up again, squashing it against the roof of the car and holding it there. When I lowered the jacket, it was evident the eradication of the spider was successful (I squished it with the jacket - sorry about your jacket, dear).

She screamed.

I screamed.

The cats yowled.

And it was all accomplished while driving 70 mph (okay, maybe a little more than that) down the interstate in traffic.

The Book of Secret Rules allows that, pursuant to Rule 14.6(c), surviving a spider attack while hurtling along the freeway counts as a full list of thankfuls. Rule 14.6(c)(ii) states that no one shall be Judgy McJudges about the killing of spiders, especially humongous, deadly ones.




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22 comments:

  1. Frist. Ha ha. You bring multi-tasking to a whole new level. I screamed, She screamed, the Cats yowled - potential kiddy (or kitty) lit there. Have fun on the rest of Spring break!

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    1. Frist! We didn't wreck. The world is better with one less spider. The cats freaked out from our screaming and flailing around, but they survived as well!

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  2. I totally concur (with your actions, you BoSR/SBoR citations, if not the screaming*)
    The only good spider is a contradiction/conundrum and oxymoron all in one little phrase.
    As I once heard a woman state, 'they're a Rutherford that should've been dead a long time ago'**
    I applaud you your quick action (good thing that the first thing in reach was not one of those cat carrier things... that would have been interesting


    * it's against the rules in Y Chromia to scream unless: a) you're also wearing a hockey mask or 2) no one is around, but you have to follow-up with sincere laughswearing immediately after
    ** no, does not, in fact, make a lot of sense

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    1. Cruise control should probably be on my list as a thankful.
      I think you would scream like a little girl if a spider lowered itself from the ceiling of the car while you were driving.

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  3. I almost couldn't finish reading this when I came across "spider". You are one brave lady. I would've parked the car on the side of the road and left it there. I'm not kidding.

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    1. If Emma had been alone, she probably would have done just that.

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  4. *grins* I see a preschool storyteller here.

    LOVE IT. Well done, brave warrior.

    Hope the rest of everything is less hair-raising for you.

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    1. And look at you! You weren't a Judgy McJudge over the spider thing (not that that rule had ANYTHING to do with you....)

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  5. I'm going to highlight that section of the book, because I definitely want to remember that rule--though I hope I never have to use it! "I Am A Warrior" should be your theme song!

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    1. I hope you never have to use this rule, Kristi. I keep imagining what the truck driver behind us thought when we went berserk and started flinging jackets around.
      Believe it or not, I actually have a blog post with that name! http://iwantbacksies.blogspot.com/2012/07/yes-i-am-warrior-and-victory-is-miiiine.html It's a must-read :)

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    2. Oh, how funny--both the fact you have a post by the same name, and the post itself. I'm going to be giggling the next time I put bread in the toaster. Glad you are all recovered from that ordeal!

      On an unrelated note, I just learned from my mom that she lived in Joplin briefly, when her dad was an Army postman during WWII.

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    3. I had a boss once (a woman) who talked about "making toast" when your clothing was caught in your, um, toaster.
      How cool that your mom once lived here! I'm going to guess her dad was at Camp Crowder in Neosho. (That's where Rob Petrie was stationed on the Dick Van Dyke Show, by the way).

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  6. All I have ot say about this is that you are ONE TALENTED WOMAN! Your daughter is a lucky girl to have you for a model!

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    1. She probably would have wrecked the car if she had been driving alone. She was completely ineffectual as shotgun in this instance, her expertise lying more in the area of changing radio stations.

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  7. The spiders here on the island look at you raise one spider leg flick the the spider leg towards them and says "you wanna a piece of me; bring it !" well that is what hubby tells me after I hear him scream; lol! Glad you were able to escape without any injuries - it was you or the spider - hehehehe - have a wonderful spring break! :)

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    1. As spiders go, this one was pretty innocuous; however, I did not relish him dropping down into my lap. We have brown recluse spiders in our house. They are very venomous and big and scary and completely freak me out. As soon as the weather starts getting warmer, they come out of seclusion and hide under clothes and shoes on the floor and in closets and cabinets. I HAAAAAATE them!

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  8. I almost stopped reading at "spider" because...spiders. And unholy terror where ginormous probably deadly spiders are concerned. There will be NO judging from me. Ever.
    I have to say I'm thoroughly impressed that you managed all of that while driving. The reason is that I would most likely have stopped the car in the middle of traffic, exited the car, and stood there in the middle of the road crippled by my fear screaming for help.
    I say "most likely" because what I really mean is "may or may not have actually done that." At least once. Possibly twice.
    I am glad that you and Emma survived all aspects of this tale and that you didn't use the cat carriers as the weapons of choice.

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    1. It was all very surreal.
      Twice? You've abandoned the car twice because of a spider? That's impressive!
      Under ordinary circumstances, Ruby would have been all about catching the spider; however, car travel terrifies her. She curls up in a ball in the corner of her carrier and doesn't move. If you try to take her out to sit on your lap, she slithers right back into the carrier.

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  9. I certainly wouldn't fuck with ya.

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  10. Oh my goodness, I so had to giggle about the screaming and yowling :-) But I know how you felt, been there, done that!! Spring break sounds beautiful! I hope you are utterly relaxed now!

    Hugs to you!!!!

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    1. There was a lot of screaming. And yowling. And an occasional hiss from Pete when he realized he was face to face with Ruby. It was a very relaxing break, thank you!

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