Monday, October 21, 2013

Let's All Go To The Movies. On Second Thought, Let's Not.

We don't go to the movie theater very often. My family would rather watch movies at home, but Saturday night, my husband and I dropped our daughter off at a birthday party and went to see Gravity 3D. And were we sorry. Want to feel my pain? Here are 12 reasons why I'm never going back to the local movie theater (Hollywood Theaters Northstar 14, if you're ever in the area and are tempted to see a movie. Oh, and did I mention it's the ONLY movie theater in town and the next nearest one is thirty miles away?).

1. My husband complained the whole time about the price ($13.25 per ticket for Gravity 3D), the sticky floors, the broken seats, and that the place smells like feet.

2. The popcorn was not the fluffy pieces of salty goodness you would expect, but instead, were hard little kernels that had barely exploded, and I could practically hear my teeth cracking with each bite.

Itsy, bitsy, teeny, tiny,
 tooth-breaking popcorn.

3. They no longer have Coke products. Did you get that? THEY DO NOT HAVE DIET COKE. 

4. The kid working behind the concession stand had no sense of humor when he asked me what I wanted, and I told him what I WANTED was a Diet Coke.

5. Most of the seats look (and feel) as though a bunch of 10 year olds have been jumping up and down on them. 

6. We were the very first ones in the theater, chose our seats, and began breaking our teeth munching on the popcorn when about ten college-aged kids came in and sat in the row behind us. IN THE ROW BEHIND US. WHEN THE ENTIRE THEATER WAS EMPTY OTHER THAN OUR TWO SEATS.

7. About a dozen other people also chose seats frighteningly near us, making my husband ask if we had become part of a Saturday Night Live skit without knowing it.

8. The girl sitting behind me and immediately to my right put her feet up on the back of the seat next to me, situating them RIGHT NEXT TO MY HEAD. 


9. The girl directly behind me laughed loudly throughout the entire movie. You realize we saw Gravity? And that it is not a comedy?

10. The two men who sat directly in front of us kept a running dialogue of commentary throughout the entire movie.

You must have really good eyes or a magnifying glass to see my little captions on here,
but it took me nearly an hour to do this (and that doesn't include the twenty minutes
it took me to find it on the computer after I saved it) so would you humor me
and take a closer look? Thank you.

11. This has nothing to do with the deplorable state of the theater, but I did find it entirely implausible that Sandra Bullock's character could pull out a manual and press a few random buttons and ignite the engine of a space capsule and launch it into space. But when I mentioned this, my husband said I needed to suspend reality and JUST ENJOY THE MOVIE AND THIS IS ANOTHER REASON WHY I DON'T TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIE THEATER.

12. The bathrooms are nasty, and only one hand dryer works. And there are several bathrooms in the building. And only one hand dryer EVER works in every. single. bathroom. What's more, it's usually the wheelchair-accessible one, so you have to bend over to dry your hands.

After prying our sticky feet off the floor and leaving the theater, we vowed that THAT WAS IT. 

But guess who got the last laugh?



That's right. I kept my 3D glasses. So there. Hah!


20 comments:

  1. Well, that sounds anything but pleasant. What happened to quaint, wonderful, small-town theaters? We don't go to the movies often, either, but at least when we do, it is a pleasant experience.

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    1. No such animal. The place hasn't been touched since it was built, which had to have been at least 12 years ago. The $1 theater was closed and torn down about five years ago. The town of Pittsburg, KS, about 40 miles away, just remodeled their theater (we saw Gatsby there last spring). We'll drive all the way there before we go to our local theater again.

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  2. Oh dear..I am sorry to read this. That totally sucks! It sounds like our little cheap theatre downtown..as for tickets, that sounds about right (at least in here in BC, Canada) for a 3D movie. How can they not have Coke products? That is sad, Don't you hate when ppl sit right near you when there are a ton more seats?

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    1. I guess people have a herding instinct. And no Diet Coke is SUCH a deal breaker!

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  3. Oh, that's too bad. I generally enjoy going to the movies, but I can understand why you might not. At least you have some snazzy glasses!

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    1. You know I'm going to be getting some good use out of those glasses.

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  4. Dude, you're SO LUCKY! $13 for tickets? To get to the cinema here, it costs a minimum of £12 (which I think at the moment is around $20).

    The rest of the experience sounds completely rubbish though. Stay home next time - DVD, homemade popcorn, clean bathroom, ALL the space on the sofa to snuggle into, Diet Coke in the fridge, and peace...

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    1. Yeah, that place is pretty nasty inside. And did you SEE that piece of popcorn? I didn't purposefully pick out the tiniest piece. That was a representative sampling of the whole bucket!

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  5. Oh man...every reason you listed is why we NEVER go to the movies. Even the "cheapies" are not so cheap any more. Bummer, dude...

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    1. I would expect something like this out of a $1 movie theater. This is supposed to be a first-run place.

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  6. It's very rare I go to a movie. I figure with Redbox available, paying $10+ for the movie, $5+ for some average (at best) popcorn and $3+ for something to drink ... why bother? That's an expensive night out for one person. Double it up and even more. Sheesh. Unless it's a flick I really think I need to see on the big screen, I'll wait for DVD.

    And if people sit too close to me when I'm at the movies, I move. I can't stand being crowded, especially if there's a lot of room available.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. See, that's the reason we went - to see Gravity in 3D. Can't do that at home so well.

      We were going to move as soon as the lights went down, then people sat on either side of us, blocking us in....

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  7. I have to say I hate going to the movies. That said boy are you going to look hot wearing those glasses everywhere you go. Lastly just to prove I did read captions, you didn't mention the guys were old in the text of the article. Old men do that they have to comment on everything.

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    1. I rock those glasses.

      Do I need to edit my post to include that they were, um, older gentlemen? They weren't elderly, just...older.

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  8. I went to see Magic Mike at the movie theater (with my husband, bless his heart) but that was only because I REALLY wanted to see it (and then was kinda disappointed.) I'll probably go to see 50 Shades at the theater, but for the most part, I don't like to go. It's crazy expensive, cold and you can't pause for bathroom breaks!

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    1. I hated Magic Mike, but your husband is quite a keeper if he was willing to see it with you.

      I ordinarily like going to the theater for the whole popcorn-and-a-movie experience (except I don't like to spend that much money very often). I'll drive the 45 miles to the remodeled theater next time.

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  9. This is like my worst nightmare. I love going to the movies. But I never do it because any one of these items would drive me batty, let alone all of them. I have been known to get up and move when someone loud or annoying sits near me. Those feet by your head? Awful.

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    1. I wish NONE of them had happened. I think if I had had a Diet Coke, I could have handled the rest....

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  10. This is hysterical...and don't even get me started on tooth injuries sustained by movie pop kernels. Xo

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    1. I found out later that my husband was chucking kernels at the old guys in front of us every time they talked.

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