Tuesday, April 17, 2012

You Know You Want To See Them, Derik

On the third day in the hospital, the nurses make you get out of bed, those bitches. 

My friend Cindy came Friday morning to relieve Kristin, bringing me a box full of goodies and Diet Coke. I got my iv taken out, the oxygen taken away, the pain meds switched from iv to pills. I got my catheter removed, which is a mixed blessing, because it is kind of nice not to have to go to the trouble of getting up to go to the bathroom. I had visitors. Quite a few, in fact, but thanks to the pain meds, I couldn't begin to say exactly who came and when. (If you were one of them, I appreciate your visit, even if I can't remember it.)

With much searing pain, I was forced to move from my bed (which was entirely too short, by the way) to the recliner. And it was there that I experienced the absolute highlight of my stay: I got my effing period. I won't go into gruesome details, but I will say that if Cindy and Deanna don't unfriend me, it will be a miracle. (@Dr. Lacey: I suggest you run and run fast. Because after the D&C and endometrial ablation you performed on me a six weeks earlier, this was a cruel, cruel surprise. I'm giving you a head start. You might want to take advantage of my generosity in doing that. Because I WILL catch you....)

I was able to go pee pee on the big girl potty twice that day before my bladder clammed up and refused to cooperate further. Back in goes the Foley catheter. I was secretly happy, because I no longer had to endure the trip to the bathroom. 
Drunk as a runaway bicycle on  pain meds

The Everyday Heroes event finally ended, and my husband was able to return to the hospital late that afternoon. I'm sure Cindy was relieved to see him, after what I'd put her through earlier. The pain meds were making my eyes cross and I couldn't focus on anything.  They also made me nod off, but every time my eyes closed, my mouth dropped open. I was lucid enough to be aware of this and vain enough to pop awake each time and shut my mouth so I didn't look like a drooling idiot. 

On Saturday morning, I was scheduled for another surgery with Dr. Geter. Now, here's an interesting tidbit: my husband had been telling me what Dr. Geter said to him about the reconstruction after my first surgery (while I was in the recovery room). I looked at him and said, "I heard him say that to someone during the surgery." So when Dr. Geter came in my room that morning, I told him that I had heard that conversation. He kept smiling, but his eyes got a little big, and he asked if I heard him tell any dirty jokes. I said no, but I heard that one conversation and was able to recall details of it. WHAT THE HELL?

Around 9:00, a woman came to wheel me to surgery.  My bed was the equivalent of a grocery store cart with a crazy-ass wheel, so my trip was like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyland. We careened off walls, doorways, and people. Yes, PEOPLE. 

I don't know if it's a Cover Your Ass thing or a spot-check to see if I have all my mental faculties about me, but every time someone would introduce themselves to me and tell me what part they were playing in my morning, they would ask me what procedure I was there for, and I had to honestly answer, "Beats me." I finally said, "Dr. Geter is tweaking something." (I didn't know there was going to be a TEST.) One of the nurses asked me if I had any metal anywhere in my body. I first answered, "Yes, all those little clips from my biopsies," then let out a hoot and said, "Never mind! They cut my boobies off and now the little clips are all gone!" 

What was supposed to be an hour or so procedure turned into three hours, and I STILL have no idea what was done, but back to the room for a little rest and then a very raucous visit by my Girls Night Out peeps, who were later joined by Melinda, Derik and Maddie. I think my pain meds did most of the talking....

My grand finale for the day was a walk down the hallway. My legs felt like jelly, but it wasn't painful. I was, however, rather fearful that I would run into my iv stand with my big ol' foot and send it, and me, flying, but it turned out to be an uneventful trip. I crept back into bed, hoping against all hope that I wouldn't wake up in the night and need to pee....

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