My Life Is A Sitcom, Even On Mother's Day

It seems all the Mother's Day statuses I've read on Facebook or on blogs have all been very Disney-esque. Happy children helping daddy in the kitchen, the bluebirds flying in the window, arranging the pillows for the breakfast in bed that was cheerfully brought upstairs to the waiting mom, the mice and chipmunks carrying the breakfast tray. My experience was a little more reminiscent of The Middle. Or Married...With Children. See what you think:

Around 7 a.m. on Mother's Day, my husband checked to see if I were awake by jiggling the bed (fortunately for him, I was).

"Would you like doughnuts this morning?"

"Sure!"

"Because we talked about making you breakfast, but since you don't LIKE breakfast food, doughnuts seemed like a better plan. You like all the chocolate ones, right? And maple and glazed."

We've been married for almost 21 years.

"No, I like the glazed kind that are frosted with chocolate. And I like white cake doughnuts with chocolate frosting. NOT chocolate cake doughnuts with chocolate frosting, though. And chocolate bars. I will EAT maple bars, but I don't love them."

He left for the only doughnut shop in town open on Sundays (which also happens to be our favorite, and really, you shouldn't be so familiar with all the doughnut shops in town to know which is your favorite and when they're open, but we do - don't judge).

When he returned, I heard him puttering around downstairs in the kitchen. He stopped in our daughter's room to tell her to get up and join us, then he arrived in our room with two boxes of doughnuts, plates, napkins, and a cup of tea. He brought the tea over to me first.

"What's in it?"

"What do you MEAN, what's in it?"

"I mean how much sweetener did you put in it?"

"SWEETENER?! You drink your HOT tea sweet, too?"

We've been married for almost 21 years....

"I need four packets of sweetener. IT'S A BIG CUP, ALL RIGHT?"

He called to our daughter to go get them for me.

"By the way, one of the cats left you a present at the foot of the stairs. I hope it's a hairball."

Our daughter called up that she couldn't find the sweetener (which meant she was standing in the middle of the kitchen, not looking).

"It's in the kitchen window," I say to my husband.

"IT'S IN THE KITCHEN WINDOW!" hollers my husband, sitting five feet away from me.

"It's not there!" we hear from downstairs.

"In the kitchen window above the sink. The right one. Next to the tea."

"IT'S IN THE KITCHEN WINDOW ABOVE THE SINK! THE RIGHT ONE! NEXT TO THE TEA!"

"Got it," we hear, along with the rattle of packages and the squeak of 15 year old feet on the stairs.

"And a spoon," I say to my husband.

"AND A SPOON!" calls my husband.

"Dammit." Sound of retreating footsteps.

In the meantime, my husband is doling out doughnuts to me.

"Now, there's a story about this first one. I didn't have my glasses on, and I wanted to eat one in the car, and I THOUGHT it was a maple bar, but it was your chocolate bar."

And he laid a chocolate bar on the plate in front of me, two very visible bites taken out of it.

"Why are there TWO bites missing?" I asked.

"I wanted to make sure I was wrong."

"You were."  I took a bite. "Tastes like spit."

Ignoring me, he announced proudly, "And I got you some chocolate cake doughnuts with chocolate frosting!"

We've been married for almost 21 years....

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME, DO YOU?! I told you before you left that I like the plain cake doughnuts with chocolate frosting!"

"I get confused when I go in there! You know how you get in a lighting store? That's me in a doughnut shop. I can't keep track of how many I'm getting and end up with too many, and I can't tell the chocolate from the maple."

In the meantime, my daughter walks in the room with gift bags, four packets of sweetener, and a spoon. My husband turns to her and says, "Doesn't your mom always want chocolate cake doughnuts with chocolate frosting?"

My daughter looks at him and frowns. "She likes PLAIN cake doughnuts with chocolate frosting. And chocolate bars. And chocolate frosted glazed doughnuts."

"SEE? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MEEEE!" I turn to my daughter. "He ate part of my chocolate bar in the car."

"You ate her doughnut IN THE CAR? You never let us eat the doughnuts until we get home!"

"Well, they were still warm, and I wanted to try it while it was warm..."

"AHA!" I cried. "The truth comes out. You MEANT to eat it!"

"I THOUGHT IT WAS MAPLE! I DIDN'T HAVE MY GLASSES ONNNNNN!"

"Open your presents, Mom."

She handed me two handmade cards. On notebook paper. Because they obviously forgot to buy a card. 

The first one:

The second one, front:

Inside:

Aww, she included her brother....

They got me a set of mixing bowls that I had seen at Macy's and admired. My husband, who never, never, NEVER sets his big toe in the mall if he can help it, walked through the mall with me a few weeks ago, and I can't even remember why (you'd think such a momentous occasion would stick in my mind as to why he was there, but it didn't), and he remembered I pointed the bowls out as we passed them. (But he can't remember what kind of doughnut I like.)

And they gave me a summery tote bag, then exchanged knowing glances with each other.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing!" they said. Mhm.

Some new Wallflower scents. Nice. One, two, three, four, five....

"Where's the sixth one?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" my husband answered. My daughter said nothing.

"They come six for $24. There are only five here."

I look at my daughter.

"I don't know WHAT you're talking about," she said.

"Look at me when you say that," I tell her.

"You buy too many of them if you know how much they cost and how many you get," my husband said.

And they gave me the perfume I really, really wanted. It smells divine! My daughter and I were in Ulta earlier in the week when I tried some of it on and told her it was what I would like to have for Mother's Day, if anyone wondered. Before she and her dad went shopping yesterday ("We're going out for a little while," my husband said, acting coy, like I didn't know what they were up to.), my daughter asked me for the name of the perfume. I told her to go check the sample that was in the bathroom and to make sure to get my Ulta points for the purchase, so no, it wasn't a surprise, but yes, I was very happy to get it!

How many times do I have to say I love
Philosophy before they pay me to say it?!

My husband took my daughter to babysit, and when he came back upstairs, he said, "I cleaned up the cat barf, just for you. Happy Mother's Day."

"Sooo, what's the story on the tote bag? Because I know there is one. I saw you look at each other."

"No story.... Okay, it came free with the perfume."

"I had a feeling," I said. "I like it, though! It's really pretty!"

"Yeah, SOMEONE wanted to keep it for herself. She was pretty impressed that they gave it away for free, but I told her when they charge a hundred dollars for perfume, they can afford to give away luggage."

"A HUNDRED DOLLARS?! Was it really that much? I'm sorry! I had no idea!"

"Nah," he said. "It wasn't cheap, but it wasn't nearly that much."

And Ruby played with all the tissue paper and other wrappings all morning, until she wore herself out.

The only thing that would have made the day better would have been to have the College Boy home.

And a plain cake doughnut with chocolate frosting.